I've always had an amazing memory: photographic memory of pages from text books, verbatim recall of lectures, addresses and phone numbers I never had to write down, snippets of events dating back to my days as a toddler. I memorized my lines for the lead in a play in two days. I could look at the clothes I was wearing in a photo and tell you where we were, who was with us, what month it had been taken and most of the events that accompanied the picture. I knew an entire soliloquy from King Lear. I quoted lines from movies, and knew all the words to the most popular and obscure tunes. My mind had a seemingly infinite capacity for useless and temporary information. (Let's face it, how often was I going to be whipping that soliloquy out?) But apparently the human mind has limitations, and the brain does have a fill line, and I've reached it. New information need not apply.
Last night I went to the grocery store with a mental list of three items. I came home with eight items and only one from the original list. The worst part is I knew I was forgetting something before I left the market. I am actually always in a state of vague forgetfulness now. I never go anywhere or arrive home without that familiar, "Did I forget something?" feeling hanging at the fringe of my thoughts. I can't sing along to my favorite songs anymore, because I forget the words…even the chorus, between verses! Not only can I not retell a joke, I can't recall any significant portion of the joke so someone else can retell it. I just stand there saying,
"Come on, you know, the one with the guy…and the other guy. The one that guy told the other night."
"You mean your Dad?"
"Yeah! That one!"
The worst part of this condition is that I still have all the useless memory intact. Want to know the address and phone number of the house I grew up in, the one I haven't lived in for 23 years? Want to know the full name of the girl dating the guy I had a crush on 20 years ago? I can give you those things, but don't ask me why I'm standing in the kitchen with that lost look again, because that I can't answer. Half the time I can't even tell you what day of the week it is.
My own condition has gotten so bad that these days I can't recall the answer to a question I just asked. As a matter of fact I can't even recall if I actually asked the question, or just thought it in my head and then forgot to ask it. So I ask again, much to the displeasure of the exasperated family member who has now answered on three separate occasions. I use the wrong names for the members of my household. Yes I know which kid I'm talking to, but my brain spits the wrong one out anyway. I put things in a "safe place" so they won't get lost and then promptly forget where the "safe place" was, although oddly I do have a vague sense of putting it somewhere safe. Then there are those times I pull into my driveway and suddenly realize I don't actually remember driving home. I mean, I was sort of aware. It's not like I blacked out or something. It's just I don't really recall my brain being an active participant in the effort.
That's it. My brain is closed. There is no room for new information. No way to get rid of the old useless files. I'm like an outdated computer. I now understand why old people keep telling the same stories over and over. They are either the only stories they still remember, or they must be the newest story and, afraid of losing it, they continue to tell it over and over again, hoping it will become memory.
So if you greet me in the mall and I smile at you with that panicked "I have no idea who this woman is!" look, don't take offense. You just didn't make the cut. The expiration date has come and gone on my memory and you fell into the overflow. It's not you. It's me. Even if we have been sisters for the last 40 years.
Anyway...What was I saying?
Anyway...What was I saying?
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